I have been living the single life for about a year and a half now, which is the longest continuous stretch I have experienced since I was 21 years old. I have to say that dating has changed quite a bit over the past 15 years. To be fair, I have also changed quite a bit over the past 15 years, but with the introduction of social media and online dating, there is a whole new element of complication and navigation. I have dabbled in online dating a few times over the past couple of years but have always felt a sense of resistance toward it. It has become the normal way of life for the younger generation who don’t really know anything different. But it is foreign for my generation, and there is a sort of shame that goes along with it, at least for me. The idea of scrolling through countless men swiping left or right depending on whether or not I feel any sort of attraction to their photographs feels unnatural. And I have learned that there is a massive number of men who know nothing about holding an engaging conversation. With some, the conversation turns sexual almost instantly. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I at least want to meet someone in person and find out whether I actually like them as a person before I engage in a sexual conversation with them. Have we lost all boundaries and respect for ourselves??
After being on and off dating apps three or four different times, I have decided that they are not for me. It always seems like a fun idea in theory, but never ends up playing out that way. It takes a lot of time and energy that quite frankly I’d rather be devoting to myself and my friends. I can’t get used to the idea of being in competition with thousands of other women. But I don’t have to suffer through anymore awkward online dates hoping to meet someone I click with. I know and trust that I will meet my next partner in a natural and organic way. I’m not sure how or when it will happen, but I know that it will.
In the meantime, this journey through life on my own has been quite a roller coaster. Most days are good – I have a busy and full life that never slows down, and I have more friends than I have ever had before. I have come to really love and appreciate my freedom to live my life according to me and me only. I don’t ever have to check in with anyone or compromise my needs in any way. I can go out with my friends when I want and have alone time when I need. Being on the outside of my friend’s relationships has also been eye opening. Seeing from an outside perspective as they say and do many of the same things I have said and done in relationships has shifted my perspective in some pretty powerful ways. Still, there are a lot of ups and downs to living the single life. It’s actually much more challenging to live life without a partner than it is to always have someone by your side. I see now why some of my friends are in relationships simply because they are too afraid of being on their own. It certainly is not always glamorous. There are times of loneliness, despair and even panic. Why is it so difficult sometimes to be alone with ourselves?
Something I have learned over the past few years through my journey overseas, to Arizona and eventually back to Denver, is that no matter where you go you take you with you. As humans we are constantly in search of happiness, fulfillment and security from circumstances and people outside of ourselves, which we are never truly going to be able to find. It’s not fair to try to ask that of someone else, and it is only when we can cultivate those qualities within and feel truly at home when we are alone with ourselves that we are ready to be in any sort of partnership with another. Easier said than done and each day is a different journey. But I will say that I have grown more emotionally and spiritually in the past three years than most of my adult life combined. The growth and maturity I have experienced has been a result of having only myself to turn to during difficult and painful times. This is the type of work that can only really be done alone.
Doing this work has helped me to observe certain things in myself. For one, I have noticed that for the past couple years I have constantly been on the hunt for my future partner. Every time I meet someone I am remotely attracted to, I have a checklist that runs through my mind, “Is he single? Is he straight? Is he spiritual? Does he notice me?” I am tired of feeling like I am searching. And so I have decided that I am giving up the search. I am taking a break from dating, indefinitely. I was never really very good at dating anyway. I am at my best when I am either completely single and living life for me, or when I am devoted to a committed partnership. The stuff in between just creates a lot of angst that I don’t really need. I know and trust that my person is coming, when I am ready and when he is ready. I don’t have to search for him. I will know him when I see him, and he will know me. And every minute of this work will be worth it when it leads to a solid, supportive relationship that begins with two strong and connected people who aren’t afraid to love themselves before loving someone else. <3
